Funeral Words

PostSecret.com

Have you ever visited the site www.postsecret.com ? If not, the premise is simple enough. PostSecret has a P.O. Box where individuals may submit anonymous secrets in the form of a postcard. Accepted submissions then get scanned and posted as a group each week on Sunday mornings.

The nature of the secrets varies tremedously from baudy to touching to raw. Yet they all contain some insight or other which will resonate with the lives of others. In that, the site has developed a huge and loyal following.

By way of example, let me show you one death related secret from the current site. It says, "I don't have the heart to teach my grandma how to change the voicemail greeting on her cell phone so that every time I call and she doesn't pick up, I get to hear his voice."

Modern Christian Attitudes

This morning as I logged on to Amazon.com looking for some information, I found a new title listed in the "Recommended" section of my Amazon home page.

For those of you trying to understand the underlying causes of shifts in attitude towards funerals in America, you may wish to give this volume a read.

A portion of the Publisher's Weekly review reads as follows:

Mosaics and Busters (the generations that include late teens to early 30-somethings) believe Christians are judgmental, antihomosexual, hypocritical, too political and sheltered. Rather than simply try to do a PR face-lift, Kinnaman looks at ways in which churches' activities actually may have been unchristian and encourages a return to a more biblical Christianity, a faith that not only focuses on holiness but also loves, accepts and works to understand the world around it. It would be possible to get lost in the numbers, but the authors use numerous illustrations from their research and life experiences...

Obviously not a "funeral service" book. Yet for many funeral homes, "as the church goes, so does my business," and the Christian church in America has struggled in many ways.

I have a copy on hold at the book store and will give it my own read as soon as possible. In the mean time, for those with a hands-on nature, follow the link and give it a read of your own.

Attending a Funeral

Many of you will know Ken Camp as the President of Batesville Casket Company. His father died just prior to Thanksgiving and the funeral will be held tomorrow. I have made arrangements to travel to New Jersey to attend and so that my interrupt my postings schedule for another day or two. We will see how things come together.

Peace,

BT

Belated Wishes of Thanksgiving

Many have asked me how I manage to keep posting my blog with all my business responsibilities and such. I have done well for months but even a dedicated poster can run into a string of busy-ness which grinds the blog to a hault and that's what has happened with me.

We have had our hands full around here with new activity and some of those funerals included personal friends whom I chose to spend extra time with prior to the holiday. We also had the kick-off to our "Share Some Warmth" campaign--a warm clothing and winter coat drive we run each year as a community service project. This too kept me on the run for photographs and a radio appearance. Throw in a family gathering for the holiday and the blog had to take a back seat for a few days. My apologies to the regular readers, but the funeral home business must come first. So far, this project remains a volunteer effort.

So Happy Thanksgiving to one and all. For those of you who know me personally, you know this year has held many challenges. Yet the outcomes have turned positive and plentiful, so I find myself full of thanks this season.

Peace,

BT

"Our Family" Doesn't Always Tell the Right Story

This morning I helped a family friend finalize arrangements for her husband who died of complications related to a lifetime of battling diabetes. When we came to select acknowledgement cards, a dilema arose. The two of them, married 53 years, never had children and she became frustrated by the stock phrases we use such as "our family", "the family of", "our sorrow". After all, the card was coming only from her.

In place of "Thank you sincerely for sharing our sorrow...", I suggested "Thank you sincerely for sharing these sorrowful times..." which she appreciated greatly. We have a program for producing custom cards and we will have no trouble making this happen for her.

This made me wonder, in a world full of fragmented families, how often this happens with people except they do not say anything to the arranging director.

We all need to become more sensitive to such issues. And vendors??? Our world continues to change, please take a few moments to review your products. Has the time come, to find alternative words and phrases for the stationary and other resources we provide?

Burial at Sea, Not as Permanent as You Think

Here's a link to a local news story about a body dragged up out of the sea by a fishing boat. According to the details of the article, this person (who's identity has been withheld) was buried at sea with proper permits and procedures but a local fishing boat "disintered" the poor man.

No details yet on what the family will choose to do next.

WBZ Boston: Body Found Off Cape Cod was Once Buried at Sea

Oops! Grief isn't about Kubler-Ross

On Saturday during the educational sessions for the 100th Anniversary of the New England Institute, Carol Wogrin of the National Center for Death Education finally set me straight on grief. Like so many people who learned the "basics" long ago, concepts like the Kubler-Ross stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, accpetance), "letting go", "resolving grief" etc. all fall into the category of urban myth or wrong-headed and out of date clinical frameworks.

For instance, Kubler-Ross wrote a book called "On Death and Dying" which dealt with the specific topic of dealing with the tragedy of death and coming to grips with impending death. Unfortunately the popular media expanded the "stages" to encompass all forms of grief and loss. As a matter of fact, wikipedia.com makes the same mistake by describing her work as "the process by which people deal with grief and tragedy".

However Carol pointed out that in reality grief does not ever fully "resolve" itself. Over time we may find a place for it which does not interupt our daily lives. We may do a good job of creating new meaning for our lives which keeps the grief at bay most of the time. In the end, loss is loss and it stays with us and researchers such as Robert Neimeyer, Stroeb and Schut, and George Bonanno among others provide a much better framework of understanding for how grief works and how we as care givers should talk about it.

Should you ever have the chance to hear Carol Wogrin speak, take the opportunity. She knows the theory and describes it well. At the same time, she has more than 30 years of real clinical experience. She knows how to put theory into practice and has a mulititude of real life stories to share.

The National Center for Death Education operates out of Mount Ida College in Newton, MA. They run a series of courses (including online learning) and seminars on grief, recovery, thanatology and other related topic areas. You can find further information by following the link.

Mount Ida College: Center for Death Education

UPDATE: Here's the bibliography from Carol's presentation in case you would like to do some of your own further research and reading.

Download nei_centenial_bibliography.doc

Tomb of the Unknowns in the news

I have visited Arlington National Cemetery and have heard John Metzler talk about the search for sufficient marble to replace the existing Tomb of the Unknowns, which developed has sizable cracks over time.

In governmental circles a controversy has grown over whether the monument should be replaced or whether a repair would better honor the monument, its history and purpose.

Follow the link to the New York Times article and video.

NYTimes: For a Memorial With Cracks, Fix or Replace?

New England Institute on FaceBook.com

I have just started to learn about www.FaceBook.com, the website which started out as a college "face book" where students could post basic information, find familiar faces, network, all that sort of thing but which has morphed into a global phenomenon.

In honor of the New England Institute 100th, I have created a new FaceBook Group under the very obvious name "New England Institue".

If you have a FaceBook account and have attended NEI at some point in the past, please feel welcome to join (it is a closed group and will require an approval, but that won't take long). Perhaps old friends can meet up and communicate there from time to time.

I'm looking forward to seeing you there.

New England Institute 100th

Shame on me for not saying something about this a long time ago but this weekend Mount Ida College will mark the 100th anniversary of the founding of the New England Institute in Boston.

Tomorrow night they will hold a banquet at the Needham Sheraton. Tonight an opening reception and tomorrow an exceptional lineup of speakers including Sandra Bertman, Carol Wogrin, Duane Weeks, and Valerie Wages.