Funeral Words

Paying Life Forward

A woman complained to me the other day, “Why do we have to change people around when they die?” Meaning why do we only talk about the good parts of someone after they die? People make mistakes, screw up, hurt others, go off the deep end, and the funeral talks about nothing but good. “Why is that, it doesn’t make sense,” she wanted to know.

At the time I didn’t have much of an answer. No one had asked that question of me before and though I had noted a few incongruities between life history and eulogized remembrances, I just thought politeness and civility dictated smoothing over the “truth.”

I suppose this answers some of the woman’s question. We don’t want to embarrass the family in a moment of grief but what else could be going on? What about heaven or the after life? What about other needs in a time of loss?

Death is an ending, no question there. At the same time, it is very much a new beginning. For people of faith, the person gone now has a new life in a forever after place where they find peace and completeness. In most American faith communities, that transition is instant and permanent and positive. The spirit of that person is in a state of completeness. If that’s true, then we have no reason to dwell on the mistakes of the past. All becomes forgiven before God and we give thanks for what we received along the way. Amen.

Heaven probably tells most of the story in modern Christianity. I will not try to speak to other religious experiences since I do not know them very completely or personally. Beyond heaven, though, another thought comes to mind. What about the “pay it forward” principle?

To pay something forward is to receive a gift of help or assistance and instead of paying back those who provided the help, you go off and help someone else instead. You “pay forward” the gift so that the giving spreads and touches more and more lives multiplying over and over again. If you wish to know more, you can find a book of that name Pay it Forward (see below for a link) which was also made into a movie several years ago. The author also formed a non-profit foundation to do the work. You can find that link below as well.

So what does this have to do with eulogies? Well, doesn’t it make sense that when we gather together to sum up and pass along the essence of a loved one’s life, that we “pay forward” the best parts of them? Do we really want the people there to emulate and learn anything but the best? Of course not, it does no good to tear down the people who remain by talking about the worst aspects of a life. Our community, our children, our society as a whole needs lots and lots of reasons and examples of goodness and hope. That’s an important role that death and remembrance bring into our world. Even the most incomplete life contains a snip of good, of positive meaning, of humor or love or concern or learning or hope. We all as a community need to know these things. We need to gather them up, pass them along and make sure each of us helps create a better world in our leaving and moving on.

Think about it,

BT

Pay it Forward Foundation

Amazon.com--Pay It Forward

Copyright Notice: These contents are the sole intellectual property of William “BT” Hathaway. You may copy or reproduce these materials for Non-Commercial Purposes, if you find them helpful, just make sure you credit the author and the source URL http://www.funeralwords.com Thank you very much. Just trying to make a living.

Great Quotes #2

"I believe that most important thing that any adult can do for a child, any leader can do for his or her people, any product can do for its owner, any event can do for its audience, is to inspire them."

Kevin Roberts in Lovemarks p. 99

We as an profession must blast that word "inspire" into our vocabulary! Funerals, each and every one, must aspire to inspire or why are we getting out of bed in the morning?  BT

Still Learning

As of 11:00 AM eastern time, the list of posts on this web-page doubled in size. That's because I had the site incorrectly configured. Some of the pieces had "dropped off the bottom" with no where to go.

Anyway, I've adjusted a few things so that you will always find 20 posts on the main page. Everything older than that will switch over to the Categories section you see on the right. Just click one of those links to see the rest of my work.

Have a fantastic day,

BT

Site Orientation

The Basics—

For those of you unfamiliar with website logs (or blogs as many call them), let me give you a brief orientation. The core section of any web-log is the string of chronological text that runs down and beyond the bottom of the screen. On funeralwords.com I use this to post essays about my views on the future of funeral service, along with occasional diversions in the form of quotes, phrases and other blurbs. You will find the most recent post at the top with previous entries further down the page.

On this site, the left hand column contains links to various lists including recommended books, and websites. You will also find a link to a photo album which I will fill up over time. Look for a special album after the NFDA convention in Chicago.

The right hand column will always show a list of the most recent entries in the order they were posted. Click on the title and this will take you directly to that posting. Over time I will begin to archive the contents of this site so that the main page does not get too long and cumbersome to read. Links to the archives will appear in the right hand column as they are created. [NOTE Aug 29: I'm still learning to set up this site. The main page will hold up to 20 postings. You will find the rest on the right under the heading "Categories". That's where you will find essays, quotes and comments from prior weeks. Thanks. BT]

Usage—

Please feel welcome to use the contents of this site for industry or association newsletters, websites or other publications. I ask that you cite the author as William “BT” Hathaway and that you also cite this web page www.funeralwords.com as the source whenever the material is reproduced. I also ask that you inform me of your usage and if possible forward a copy via mail or email so that I may keep track of publication dates and places.

What’s Next—

Thanks for stopping by the site, return as often as you wish. I will post at least twice per week (Wednesday and Sunday) and you may find other surprises, as I stumble across interesting odds and ends.

Leave a comment as the spirit moves you (by clicking on the word “comment” at the bottom of any entry). Also, forward this site to colleagues and industry thinkers. Vibrant participation in this site will only improve its quality and value.

We definitely live in those “interesting times” of the Chinese proverb. Much to learn, much to rethink, much to rebuild, so that “we”, the members of the current funeral profession, remain relevant and purposeful and profitable into the future. Right now we can easily “lose it all” within a generation, perhaps within a decade, unless we rediscover and understand our consumers. They see more and more opportunities and more and more reasons to move away from the traditions of the past. We don’t have much control over that. So, what will we do (if anything) to make a place in people’s lives, so that the next generation of funeral deciders (the people who make services decisions) find what they deeply need when they call?

Will our profession run out of steam and become irrelevant or choose to adapt? I don't know. Regardless, I for one, want to find the ways that will make a dramatic difference in this changing world. That’s what good businesses do. They learn and grow and change, sometimes DRAMATICALLY as society and personal needs transform and shift. Nothing new here, just unfamiliar in funeral service because we’ve had such a long steady run with very little change.

I think it’s going to be a blast and I welcome any creative doers (not just thinkers, do-ers) out there to join me for the ride.

BT

The Mourner's Gift

Breathe deep the memories
Gather the lessons and the learnings
Share them generously
With family and friends.
In this act,
A life well lived
Becomes a life well remembered
So we all in this world
Do benefit from those gifts.

Written in memorial of Evelyn Snow Peters, mother of Tom Peters

Sin and Damnation

We have looked around and wrung our hands about the terrible “changes in society” and how such things as broken families and the mobile society have had an impact on the value and validity of funerals. Those things contribute to the changes we have seen over the last 20 years, no doubt about it. At the same time, I wonder if another cause has gone unidentified or lost in the mix, something far more important than Game Boys and cell phones and the internet. Give the following some thought.

The society of our forebears, particularly Christian (though other religious groups also apply), included a strong sense of awe and fear of God. He (and God was definitely a He several generations ago and before) was a judge of people and their actions. He would separate the “sheep from the goats” casting aside those that did not love him or acknowledge him in the “right” way. Much of Christian experience was built upon a all kinds of fear, particularly the fear that sin might land one in a place called Hell where eternal punishment awaited.

I remember hearing a few sermons like that as I grew up. During my college years, I remember hearing an evangelist who brought me to tears for the worry of sinfulness and my dire need for forgiveness. I had to repent and pray the right prayer or something terrible would happen if I died in a car wreck on the way home. He sure did get my attention that night. He didn’t give me nightmares but came close. That was the church for hundreds of years and when that bell of fate tolled for YOU. You had better be in right standing with God. Not an idle threat either, if you weren’t “right with God” when you died, then you might just end up punished forever.

That’s fear, fear of an uncertain place in heaven. Fear that finds relief either completely or at least in part by the form and content of ceremonies that accompany a death. For ages it was critical that the right words were said, that the right prayers were said and the right rituals followed. It was critical that the WHOLE body was lain to rest in a proper grave ready to be “raised again on the last day.” There was nothing optional about these things. Without them, a loved one was going to HELL! No wonder that funerals held such importance in American society for so long.

Today in many places, in many churches, you can easily ask the question, “Whatever happened to hell.” Now it is not my purpose in this website to judge such things. That is for theologians and perhaps sociologists to argue. I only want you to notice that in most communities across this nation, hell is not a place people worry about very often. For instance, parents apply a time-out not “the fear of God” these days. Just think about it, when is the last time you seriously heard someone worry out loud about going to hell. It’s been a very long time for me. I suspect it is the same in most parts of the country.

So what happens if you take the fear of God out of the funeral??? Lots of things happen. If “right standing with God” is not a preoccupation of this society, then funerals and disposition will change. The old forms were based upon the assumption that without them, our loved one would suffer FOREVER in the afterlife. That’s a POWERFUL motivator to participate in organized religious practice, AND HOLD A TRADITIONAL FUNERAL because it helpes a loved one find comfort in the afterlife. Without hell looming in the background, people are much more free to choose expressions that make them comfortable. If overall belief systems allow for eternal rest, regardless the form of funeral service, then social convention and habit alone has kept funerals in their familiar form. In the long run, social habit (especially in the wide open society of today) will not keep people returning to the traditions forever. Our families are free emotionally and theologically to pursue whatever path seems right to them. More and more they do choose to go their own way.

This is a CRITICAL point for funeral service. Families drift away from funerals, not because we do bad work as funeral directors, instead they drift away because they do not fear God in the ways that they have in the past. One thing we will never be able to do as funeral directors is manufacture or generate that fear which for generations motivated families to call us so that they could “have a proper burial”.

Without fear, without that aching sense of need that families brought WITH them to the funeral arrangement time, we find ourselves in a very new and different place. We need to appeal to a whole new set of emotions, particularly LOVE and that will not be an easy transition for many to make.

BT

Copyright Notice: These contents are the sole intellectual property of William “BT” Hathaway. You may copy or reproduce these materials if you find them helpful, just make sure you credit the author and the source URL http://www.funeralwords.com Thank you very much. Just trying to make a living.

Challenge Words #1

“The temptation to content oneself with the ‘goodness of our cause’—and thus substitute good intentions for results—always exists…”  Peter Drucker, The Essential Drucker

The important results for any organization exist and need to get measured outside the organization (funeral homes included). Profit and self-fulfillment are the essential byproducts (that’s right by-products, not primary purpose) of a well defined and more important thoroughly executed mission. Not words on paper, deeds done to truly fulfill the needs of a customer or many customers outside the organization.

Businesses miss this all the time, particularly in the “caring” professions. Self-fulfillment becomes a substitute for up to date, relevant care for the real people in need. The comforts of tradition end up trumping the needs of the people meant to be served.

Great organizations don’t let that happen.

 

100% Cremation

What happens at most funeral homes when a cremation family comes through the door? Many answers come to mind. Often they meet a frustrated funeral director or a disgruntled funeral director or someone just in a hurry to get things over with. We’ve all heard the stories and even among the most caring you may find an edgy, discomfort in dealing with the challenges of cremation related services.

Why is that? Why is it that one word (cremation) can throw a 30 year experienced professional into a tizzy and leave the family wondering what happened?

Strip away all the hype and muttered cursings and what you really find is a profession unprepared and to a large degree un-led into the world we now inhabit. So often the world looks stable and predictable. All that needs to be known is known, the crowning achievements have come and all we need to do is follow the well worn path to a future of income and financial comfort. Only one problem, things change! Just ask K-Mart. Just ask AOL. Just ask the major airlines. Just ask ATT. Just ask Standard Oil. Just ask the steel industry. On and on and on, life and business work this way. Ideas and solutions rise and then they fall. Sometimes quickly and sometimes with astonishing swiftness. Just ask the thousands of people who once worked for Enron. The world changes and when things start to shift, everything moves much more quickly than anyone imagined.

So where do we find the REAL answers to help us transform and perform (operationally and financially) in the years ahead? As with any commercial enterprise, you have to start with the CONSUMER!!! It truly amazes me how little we as an industry try to know about consumers and their needs. I know we have the Wirthlin study and NFDA did some significant work a few years ago but we don’t look hard enough or often enough for our own good. Too many have relied on the product companies to describe the needs and the trends. Only one problem, their REAL customer isn’t among the funeral families. It’s funeral directors, so the product companies spend much more time, energy and money trying to understand the wrong part of the equation. Funeral directors! And right now, it’s kind of hard to get a straight answer out of funeral directors what they need to succeed in the years ahead.

Instead, we just plain need to get into our consumer’s shoes and dig deep to understand what real people really need to find comfort and say good bye in a meaningful way. Their world has changed A LOT and as business people we either develop new understandings and serve people to fulfill their CURRENT needs or we become irrelevant and go out of business. That’s is indeed how it works in a free and market world.

With cremation, we need to spend A LOT of time living in the world of 100 % cremation. Why do I say this? Is it because I believe we will one day operate in a 100 % cremation world? No, that’s not the point. Quite the contrary, we could settle into a national average of 30 or 40 % cremation and we would still need to figure out what a 100 % cremation world looks like. This is because, as far as our cremation consumers are concerned, THEY SEE THE WORLD THROUGH 100 % CREMATION EYES. They don’t care about burial and they don’t want to be treated like second class citizens and even the best intentioned funeral director tends to miss this. Just look around at the resources, the terminology, the way we organize our presentations and information, it all points back to burial. We really need to lose that habit.

At the very least, we need to take the burial bias out of our approach to working with families. Cremation used to be unusual and “out there” when it comprised 5 or 7 % of our business, but when it becomes 30%, it becomes very significant and should become a focus for training and development of yourself and any staff you manage. The design of resources and materials must reflect those varied needs so that it is IMPOSSIBLE for a cremation family to feel second class.

Just remember, families may choose a different way to express themselves, ways that run counter to past familiarities or traditions, but the biggest tradition of them all is CHANGE. The time has more than come to open up, embrace, learn, understand and transform your business to bring fulfillment to everyone. Time to develop the profitable approaches to serving those families. Money does not grow on trees, nor does it reside exclusively and forever in the casket selection room.

Start now, find the ways to include and serve those precious families that now and forever, will only choose to understand cremation. It’s a matter of business need. It’s a matter of civic responsibility. It’s a matter of professional growth and transformation.

BT

Copyright Notice: These contents are the sole intellectual property of William “BT” Hathaway. You may copy or reproduce these materials if you find them helpful, just make sure you credit the author and the source URL http://www.funeralwords.com Thank you very much. Just trying to make a living.

Terrifying Fact #1

What's tragic about funerals is not that they are so expensive--it's that so many people find them empty and lacking in real value.

Life Caching?????

I can just about guarantee that you have never seen the term “Life Caching” before. I came across the concept earlier today on TrendWatching.com and they only coined the term this year.

What does it mean?

Basically it refers to the outgrowth of cheap, easy to use electronic “storage” such as iPods, memory sticks, cell phones, free email services, etc. and the way that more and more of our daily lives can be documented, photographed, video recorded and all the rest.

Why is this important to funeral service?

Except in the case of a few tragic deaths of young people, we may not have to deal with this in any great volume for a few years. Nevertheless, as we plan our business in the future it will become more and more important and valuable to provide multiple modes of connection and display for this wealth of electronic information. Right now we have a few families coming to us with some photos and we create a PowerPoint or video production. What happens when the family comes to us with the deceased’s iPod and wants that connected to the sound system? What happens when they want her last cell phone video conversation posted on our website for others to see? What happens when the bloggers and podcasters and other friends and family want to share their experiences of the person, not by telling or writing a story but by posting photos, videos, audio recordings on and on.

What happens when someone dies without letting anyone know their password and all their memories are locked up in a free email system with no way to access it in time for the funeral? Will we need a secure way to store those passwords on behalf of our preneed families, so that survivors can get at key information? Should we become responsible for storing digital information as part of our preneed files? If so, how do we secure these things, how do we back up and maintain these things, how do we keep file formats current over the ever expanding life of our preneed files, so that people can actually use the resources when the time of death occurs?

Depending upon your point of view, you will find amazing business opportunities in those questions or a myriad of business headaches. You decide, but I expect that many of my generation will have to deal with these issues on a fairly regular basis before we retire. Time to get it on the radar screen at least.

Oh, and while you’re thinking about this stuff. Give some thought to the rules and regulations that should accompany these challenges. Who has rights to the material after it goes into storage at the funeral home? Should it be destroyed or deleted after the funeral? Must we maintain these files practically “forever” in the same way we try to maintain a cemetery for multiple generations? What sorts of fees should we be allowed to charge in order to keep these systems running? Does government have role in any of this?

I don’t bring this up in order to answer all the questions here and now. We have some time to think about it and we have some time to prepare. Nevertheless, the shape of the future always begins in the here and now. Oh and don’t forget the old gem, “Forewarned is Forearmed.” You can’t prepare for something you know nothing about. So from now on, don’t tell me I didn’t warn you!

Have a fabulous day,

BT

Copyright Notice: These contents are the sole intellectual property of William “BT” Hathaway. You may copy or reproduce these materials if you find them helpful, just make sure you credit the author and the source URL http://www.funeralwords.com Thank you very much. Just trying to make a living.